Welcome to the BROken Isles, where mysteries abound and everything is on fire. Green fire. It is a place filled with treasures and big giant glowing things that may or may not include some chick’s tears, the ultimate beer pong table, a big smashy stick that makes pointy glowing rocks, and Queen Azshara’s whispering eye. Come as we take you on a journey to where it all started. A more peaceful time before the Draenei and the Worgen, because they suck.
(WARNING: The following may contain spoilers for World of Warcraft: Legion! It also must be read as if in the voice of some 23 year old dude-bro secnd-third year at UCLA. TOO LATE, you really can’t help hearing that very voice in your head now, even whilst reading this sentence! And for all you people who actually want to learn something I went ahead and put names by all of those referenced here, but made sure to mark it out of character. Enjoy.)
Do you seek power? Do you seek fame among your peers? Do you seek lots of friends, fortune, and lots and lots of parties, chicks, and drinking? Welcome to BROmheim, of the BROken Isle. Here you will meet challenges unlike any others as you prove to the Frats of Valor that you are worthy of some really fucking shiny shield (The Aegis of Aggramar), which is totes perfect for ponging. However, before you can be ultimate champion and get with Janie Mae of Kappa Gamma, you first must prove to yourself that you are worthy of this challenge. That’s right, a test to take a test just before you take the final test. Testicleception!
First, thoust must undergo the Trial of Might-be-dangerous-so-go-find-this-dude’s-limbs-and-kill-some-demon-vikings. Once the you complete this trial, will you gain the Blessing of YO This Nitch Awesome Righteous brah here… Iunno, his name is YOTNAR, in all caps, we sorta figured it stood for something. Basically, all you have to do is gather up his different body parts that are all like scattered around this viking cave thing, and then bring them back to him while killing a bunch of other viking demon guys. OH WOAH! I forgot to mention that this Yotnar dude is a TALKING HEAD! Like for legit realz brah! David Byrne!
Oh yeah, right, so yeah the next trial you’ll take is the Trial of Will from down the street. You know the dude that downed that kegger last week and didn’t spew? This trial will require duh… duh… DAUNT…LESS? Uh, willpower? For real, Will? What does that even mean bro? Anyway yeah, so basically what you have to do is climb to the highest part of the mountain and save these really cool lightening dragon dudes (The Thorignir). And they’ll be all like “NO WAY DUDE! THAT WAS SO CHILL! GET ON MY BACK AND LET’S LIGHTENING BOLT TONS OF THOSE DEMON VIKING DUDES AT ONCE!”
So yeah then you gotta go find this one dude who, we’re pretty sure, is gonna back stab you totally. Oh and yeah you’ve been helping him the whole time and he’s like this really cool Viking Demon except not like all demon like? Then you talk to his bird which is totally trippy. Then the bird tells you to go find him again, and then you’re like okay, and then you totally go find him and he talks to you while he’s mutilating this goat for some sort of demon viking ritual. Anyway so yeah he totally tells you to go talk to this guy who turns out, and I kid you not, dude, to be a talking tree. I was all WOAH!
This tree tells you to help him out by killing some more demon vikings and then go help this dead chick out who totally does some dumb stuff and you both get sent to the underworld of squid tentacles and seaweed demon vikings. When you get there, you gotta totes kill some seaweed demon vikings, take a pic of the tentacle monster’s awesome rack, then go get your trials back, you know because the big tentacle monster with the awesome rack and hipster-chick haircut stole them from you which was totally not cool be-tee-dubs, and you’re all like “NO WAY I DON’T CARE HOW HOT SHE IS, I’M NOT MAKING OUT WITH HER NO MORE”, el oh el, like you know?
Finally, to escape from the bottom of my uncle’s fishing dock, you tell that slutty tentacle monster with the huge rack and hipster-chick haircut, that you’re not chill with that weird shit dude, and then call her ugly and then the holy Jesus says you’re worthy and you get like blessed and stuff and she gets all pissed. Oh and yeah when you leave you basically completed your final trial dude, but it’s, it’s not over yet, like you still gotta go back to that cool demon viking dude and he blesses you or some junk, but you need to like go to Valhalla or some shit to prove yourself with another trial, Idunno they kinda lost me near the end there. JUST LOOK HOW HUGE HER RACK WAS!
But yeah so like, you get to Valhalla after totes vaporizing some major viking-demonage, and then when you get to the gates of the great beyond, there’s that chill demon viking dude with his birds and he’s all like “WOAH THERE YOU ARE! YOU DID IT! BE TEE DUBS, I’M ACTUALLY ODYN AND YOU SHOULD TOTES GO KILL THAT DEMON-VIKING DUDE YOU’VE BEEN CHASING THIS WHOLE TIME DUDE!” (God-King Skolvar) You kill him, but he like gets away. PSH! Always happens, broski.
After you tell Odyn that he got away he’s like “Ok no worries, little bro. Come inside and try to get this dope ass table to play pong with and maybe the dude will come back.” So you get your bros and you go inside and kill all these demon-vikings and some demon-angel-vikings. Then there’s like this wolf bro and he’s all like glowing and stuff, and he’s kinda a dick and runs away lots, but yeah after you kill him, Odyn comes back and is like “BROS? WHY AREN’T YOU PARTYING WITH ME IN MY CHAMBERS? I GOT THIS KEG AND STUFF!” then he makes you, like, run super fast to his kegger, but then he comes back and goes “Oh yeah bring some chicks with you because this place is such a wiener-fest right now.” So you make sure that you have some hot chicks in your group doing, idunno, healing or some shit, then run real fast to Odyn’s party. 〉 <—- banana for scale
When you totes get there he’s like “Dudes! Kill these other dudes here because they’re totally killing my buzz and stuff” and you say “Sure thing, ODYN, bro!” So you kill his dudes and then he’s like “You did it bros! You get the pong table of destiny!” Then the main demon-viking comes in and totally crashes the party. Bro, you weren’t even invited, at least bring some more chicks or maybe case of brewskees! Bro ethics, bro, ethics. It’s time for you to finally beat that demon-viking dick king down, because he totes jacks your pong table of righteous destiny and you’re all “Okay” and then dead. Then Odyn is all “YEAH! LET’S PARTY”, but be careful, bro, Odyn parties hard and might kick your teeth in because he’s like really fucking huge.
Go forth, young bro initiate, and make sure you go on a beer run when you’re done because the fridge is like nothing but snack packs and condiments.
ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: VRYKUL STORY BRO.