There’s few beings in the World of Warcraft that, when stumbled upon, make the player run away screaming in terror. Not so much because they look dangerous or like they might hurt you. But moreso because they are so, so ugly that it hurts your eyes, makes you want to vomit and leaves you wondering, “WHY??”
This is unfortunately what I am facing right now as I work through the end quests of Deepholm involving the lovely lady Therazane, and it got me thinking — could she be, perhaps, the ugliest being ever to grace the lands of Azeroth? Read on to find out where she stands among the Top 10.
Yes, my friends, these are the fuglies of Azeroth. And while we may disagree on the rankings I assigned, I’m relatively certain that we all can at least agree on one thing: these dudes are not pretty.
This side-boss in Gundrak not only has a name that makes me think of phlegm getting caught in my throat (not pleasant), but also has attacks that leave you bearing his stenchy, slimy grossness. His spit attack leaves an hour-long debuff on toons that makes them smell “ferocious.” Ew. Although the smaller gorlocs that players encounter in Northrend are slightly less rank, they bear many of the same nasty traits as Eck here, which makes grinding reputation on their behalf that much more unbearable.
9. Hogger (Gnoll)
The king of killing newbs in a starting zone near you (ie Elwynn Forest), Hogger’s sight is worse that his bite. That hunchback with bristles of unkempt hair; that giant nose with flaring nostrils; that snarling mouth dripping with globs of drool (undoubtedly as he imagines eating you with his pack of ugly friends).
It’s all too much for some low-levels to bear. I don’t blame them; I might also just turn around and run if I saw this creature staring me down. And I would agree for most gnolls in general — not the prettiest of beasts.
While I don’t have any one particular character in mind with this category, I think it’s safe to say that kobolds in general aren’t the most likable of creatures, to say the least. Sure, they gave us the “You No Take Candle” trope, but otherwise, what do they really have to offer?
Squinty eyes, buck teeth, a segmented tail reminiscent of a worm that’s been God-knows-where, ragged whiskers, an even more ragged beard, and a huge snout — that’s what. So don’t take the candle. Instead, blow it out and hope there’s not enough light to make you see what you have to kill.
What is it with the Scourge and gruesome creatures? I’m hard pressed to find a monster included within the scourge that isn’t disgusting. But ghouls are definitely one of my personal least favorite. With lumbering strides, gaping wounds and bloody bandages, ravenous teeth, claws for fingernails, a hunched-over stance — any being called from the dead to become a Ghoul, no matter how beautiful in their former life, inevitably falls to the grotesque category once here.
And if all the physical attributes of these rotting corpses didn’t make them ugly enough, they also cannabalize their enemies on the battle field. Hard to top that.
Another gross creation of the scourge, plague dogs take any cuteness away from man’s best friend and replace it with slime, bone, rotting flesh and a green haze that draws in flies, gnats and who knows what else. The snarling, hungry-for-flesh abominations that not only know how to decimate your health, but also are known to call upon zombies to help them do their dirty work or, sometimes, to use as chow. Either way, gross. Also, as the green one’s name suggests, I don’t imagine these beasts to smell very pleasant, which only adds to their ugly.
When it comes to ugly, the Old Gods really know how to conjure up fear in the hearts of Azeroth’s mere mortals. Giant, sharp teeth too numerous to count, mouths the size of canyons, eyeballs with more teeth for eyelids, some of the largest tentacles I’ve ever seen and each one adorned with beaks or teeth or more somewhat suggestive appendages. It’s not a pretty sight. And yet, players have had to endure the sights of these monsters for hours at a time, night after night of wiping back when the raids were more of a challenge. That takes courage.
Maybe now we know why the Old Gods are so angry all the time — they’re jealous of the majority of the world’s creatures who are a far cry from being this grotesque.
Speaking of the Old Gods, it seems that they just couldn’t stand the thought of creating a creature that was prettier than they. As the nerubians burrowed into the ground attempting to escape from scourge during the reign of the Lich King, they accidentally uncovered something — the “tendril of an Old God’s will,” presumably the aforementioned Yogg-Saron. The Faceless Ones became the physical manifestation of that grave mistake, and their disgusting shapes began fighting back.
Perhaps the most memorable of these battles is against Herald Volazj in Ahn’kahet: The Old Kingdom, who forces toons to battle visions of each other before taking him on directly. Although the Faceless Ones resemble humanoids, they have no recognizable face and deformed features. Scantily clad, yet sporting a tentacle for an arm and a tentacle beard (gotta love those tentacles), the Faceless Ones should take some advice from their own name and stop facing us.
It doesn’t get much worse than this, folks. Sure, not every creature can be comparable to Azshara (pre-Naga version, of course), but the ugliness here is just silly.
Maybe it’s all those years of bearing stones for children (/shudder), but there is no excuse good enough for the Stonemother’s hideous appearance. With glowing pink eyes, a snarktooth grin, a double — wait, no, triple chin, and that’s just the sorry excuse for a face that sits atop a boulderous body with stubby appendages and strange growths attached to various parts. Let’s just be glad that some strategically-placed hair covers the bits that would otherwise haunt you in your nightmares.
But show some respect. Despite her appearance, Therazane is not to be taken lightly — she once stood alongside Ragnaros as one of the Elemental Lords who led armies of the Old Gods. Fear the ugly.
2. Princess Theradras
And you thought the mother was bad. Only until the horrific Therazane had a daughter. But the story doesn’t stop there. Questers who have ventured into Maraudon will undoubtedly remember this horrific wench, who according to lore is responsible for (along with Zaetar, son of Cenarius, WTF was he thinking) for bearing children who became the first centaurs of Azeroth. Somehow, I think they managed to get their genes from their father.
Speaking of their father, the offspring killed him, and now Theradras can be found mourning his death and watching over his tomb. Sad story. Good lore. But still. Ugly.
1. Rotface and Festergut (flesh beasts / abominations)
Really, was there any question about who would be atop the list? Not in my mind, there wasn’t.
Standard abombs, exposed guts and all, were bad enough. But then Professor Putricide (who isn’t exactly a looker himself) got involved and warped the nasty creatures even further into perhaps the most horrific creations he could imagine.
The flesh beasts are named well — with extra appendages where there should be none, a gaping mouth and fangs for a shoulder, bulging internal organs, extra grotesque eyes here and there, an arm that looks like it’s being vomited from another extra mouth, exposed bones and a hint of a second head that can’t quite stand on its own, not to mention the painful-looking stitches running up and down their bodies (if you can call them that) and attacks that range from farting to oozing and infecting intruders — it’s no wonder that Rotface and Festergut are so pissed off. Then to make matters worse, adventurers go and kill the only two creatures they ever loved — who also happen to be on this list. Theirs is a sad existence.
But ICC wasn’t the end of the nightmare. In Cataclysm, we have good ol’ Gorerot working with the forsaken in the battle for Gilneas City. Not a pretty sight.
Honorable mentions — While they’re ugly, they aren’t ugly enough. Here are the guys who didn’t quite make the cut: felhound, quilboar, silithids, arakkoa, zombies, magnataurs, imps, ogres, troggs, oozes.
Who else would you add to the list? Any early nominations for Azeroth’s beauty contest?