Ark Wants Me to Do What to Adult Wyverns?!

Hey, can I borrow your boobs for a second?

Honesty time, I don’t know a whole lot about Ark: Survival Evolved. Not sure what about a dinosaur-friendly MMORPG didn’t draw me in, but I’ve missed out on everything the game has to offer, which is quite a bit, according to one of our resident cameramen. We sat down at the demo station, despite my general reservations with quick demos of MMORPGs, for a gander at Scorched Earth, the expansion to the dino-taming fun Ark already presents.

Jeremy was immediately in his element hopping aboard some flying, fire-breathing beast in a moment’s notice. Seriously, his character was naked sans the token white underoos. I stumbled around, also in nothing but underoos, attempting to get my bearings with key bindings, abilities and why the heck I was still naked. I pondered my nakedness for a moment before seeing my character lifted into the air by some clawed beast. Higher we went before, giggling menacingly, Jeremy had his beast release me from its clutches and out of relative safety. Now plummeting to the earth, I had another moment to reflect on my short-lived Ark life before making a minor crater on the rocky surface. Lucky for me, another dino was nearby on my linear descent downward. The game allowed me to board it at terminal velocity, thus saving my avatar’s life. Jeremy raged in horror for a moment at my panic save.

He then burned my avatar where he stood. Cackling manically as my naked stand in writhed around blackened. #ganked #gamerproblems

Naturally, I requested that he put his money where his mouth was and let me take a hand at camerawork. You can let me know how horrible I did with that assignment in the comments below. His PAX West interview with Jesse Rapczak certainly taught me plenty about Scorched Earth. First and foremost, I probably won’t be taming an adult wyvern anytime soon.