The Legend of Michael Klump!

E$VD in training.

This past weekend was a blast. Eleven computers, thirteen people, enough potato chips to feed an army, beer, too few showers, liquor and nearly 72 hours of LAN party mayhem. It was like all of us were without major responsibilities, be they kids, jobs or the social necessities that require maintaining a viable relationships with another human being. If only for a brief weekend. As our LANs always do, it began with greetings, set up, quite a bit of boasting over whose computer rocks the hardest and which games the guy next to you is playing “isn’t a real game.” According to Shaktaji, it took a few hours for the true LAN, or what she expected it to be, to actually begin. Like dogs in a park, we circled each other for awhile before joining forces with or against others in the cohort. Once the gaming cobwebs and sobriety were knocked aside the memorable shenanigans commenced.

First it was the massive order of Domino’s, an obscene offense to my sense of taste and Philadelphia’s pizza scene. Straight trolling that was. Then we moved into the utter domination of one play versus everyone else in Rocket League. DOOM saw play early on, but outside complaints over OP weapons when getting killed and UP weapons when using them, it failed to make it’s mark. Skip ahead about 24 hours.

On Saturday evening the majority of the LAN maxed out a part for some DOOM Team Deathmatch. We figured we’d do well enough considering we cut our teeth on the original. A new game is a new game, so there were plenty of swears with the learning curve. Enter Michael Klump. Initially, this DOOM player was like any other, a random space marine hoping to gib his way to victory. He wasn’t notable in his skill or abusive in any way. His name simply stood out. Partially for its oddity, partially for its familiarity; a Michael being an attendee. It wasn’t long before a gravely Michael Klump! with fist held in the air was barked as a rocket was eaten. An unfortunate, but entirely routine demise.

We kept on playing despite a string of losses, Michael Klump’s mediocre performance perhaps the edge to their victories. Matches came and went, losses stacked, Michael Klump stuck around absorbing wins. A combination of boredom,defeat, CaptMorgan and physical requirements caused our own Michael to drop a match. This gave one Michael Klump an opening, he joined Team LAN randomly as our sixth member. We joked to the IRL Mike that he’d been replaced, that our fortunes would turn around. Michael Klump took the bait and DOMINATED. The one-time joke became a force to be reckoned with. Each kill the folklore hero became bigger, more skilled, more untouchable. Each match his power grew. Was he rocking IDCLIP? God Mode? Who knew what Michael Klump was capable of? It was all we could do to keep up. We rode the wave win after win trolling each other’s inept play in the glory of Michael Klump.

Don’t worry, our real Michael had the single greatest moment at the LAN, launching a quad damage BFG shot into an opposing demon for the kill. Despite that momentary god-like maneuver, Michael Klump is now a legend. A name entered into the annals of our LAN history. A name to be revered in one instant and lobbed like a pejorative grenade in the next. A name to tie our collective memory together and ostracize those that missed its creation. May each LAN birth the legend of Michael Klump.